Relationships--me and them

The Great Escape tale needs to wait a bit. I have other things on my mind tonight.

I mentioned previously how naive I was when I was younger--my teenage years. Then I was diagnosed and entered the mental health care system. What little ability I had left inside to trust other people, the world, the cars on the freeway, etc, disappeared. It was a matter of survival.

I never ever forget who has the power when I interact with people--especially medical people. I watch what i say carefully so as not to end up somewhere I don't want to be i.e. another hospitalization. Having learned after about 20 years that I could maybe trust again...and I was going to have to if I was ever going to get better, I also learned that by baring your soul to a therapist, you have left a door open to your pysche and if they so choose, they can inflect incrediable pain with a few well chosen words. They know where the scars are and can reopen them so fast you can't even try to block the attack. I also know that in a court of law, my word against a health care professional's is like a stick fence against a tsuimami. In fact, my word won't stand up to anyone else's who has not sought professional help or been diagnosed...yet. --mischevious grin--

So what characterizes my relationships with mental healthcare professionals? Caution. Watching carefully the body language, expressions, the eyes in order to know when to fold the conversation and walk away.

Relationships with other healthcare professionals....doctors...as in MDs.....SIGH It does not matter what symptom I may be having...even running a fever it seems...but as soon as I answer the question what medications I am on--thereby revealing that I am a psych patient--then my symptoms suddenly become something to not take seriously at all and to catagorize me as a hypochondriac or the symptoms are a manifestation of my depression. I have been so frustrated at times...I have this very satisfying fantasy of going berserk in the exam room and smash everything to pieces, throw a chair or the stool at the doctor while screaming my head off...and then very calmly saying, "Doctor, there is no reason for alarm. All of this is just in your head." However, since I am not a violent person, I will never know that satisfaction. I've had nurses do the same thing to me as well. It takes a long time to find a doctor who will listen. I finally have I am pleased to say...I think. Now I have a ton of physical diagnoses and have to take even more meds than before! Hmmmm....perhaps I should not have looked so hard for a doctor who would actually investigate my symptoms!

A little off the subject...but I want to share my pet peeve with MDs...in the years gone by, the doctor examined you, ordered tests, interpreted results, and planned the treatment. All you had to do was comply. But now doctors often ask ME if they should order an x-ray on my injured body part, do I think the treatment plan will help, what do I think the problem is, etc. EXCUSE ME but YOU are the one who went to medical school and passed your boards so why are you asking ME? It doesn't matter what I think! I am the patient! If you need the help of your patient who has not been to medical school to practice medicine, then I think I will just hang out my shingle and open my own medical practice. I don't WANT to make major decisions about things I know nothing about. Could we have a meeting of the minds at some point and stop this insanity? Pretty soon I'll have to assist in my next surgery...Jeesh! Someone please explain to me why it is that I am the crazy one and the doctor asking my advice is not???? And I have observed doctors do this to non-diagnosed people too! Ok....I think I feel better now. And if there are any doctors out there reading this...please keep your questions to yourself or better....go ask a nurse!

TM